My Birthday Today

I'm somewhere in my 30's. Let's leave it at that.

Nice day - co workers took me out to lunch at one of my favorite restaurants. Weekend was good. Visited a garden and museum I used to frequent as a kid. Got rained on, which I loved as I haven't seen rain in a long time here in Southern California.

Today though I realized another example of my fleeting memory and retention capabilities. I missed the boat on something that was important and my responsibility. Thank goodness people here are team players but it makes me look like a fool and incompetent when I lose my focus like that. Whereas before I was diagnosed, I thought that was just a personality flaw! Now I'm being told it is a side effect of depression. I was hoping the pills would clear that one out but it hasn't really. I guess I have to learn some new habits - like slowing down when I consider something. I move through things too fast (anxiously, perhaps) to get it over with. When I move too fast, I miss things. Plain and simple.

I wonder if anyone else feels that way. Is it common for memory to be shot with people with depression or am I just particularly susceptible?

Setting a Goal for Myself

I hate boredom. I hate inertia. I hate lack of initiative. I hate feeling dull. I hate feeling like life is just passing me by in a flash. I hate procrastination. I hate feeling lackluster. I hate not being stimulated. There are times when I feel like my only purpose in life is to be a piece of moving organic material drifting like a dry leaf in the wind. Seriously. I hate those feelings.

So....

One of the ideas that has come out of my sessions with the behavioral therapist is to set goals for things that I want to do. I've been so bored at my job and in life in general that I haven't really cared. Well, after the last session (and having considered this before) I called up the local university and found out that I can get a Masters Degree within 2 years of night school.

I couldn't believe how JAZZED I felt at that idea. 30 units and I've got a MBA (I've already got a BS in Marketing). That is really cool. Setting personal goals and going for them does help during a time of tedium and boredom. It makes me feel that I'm accomplishing something for myself rather than just, well, existing.

Once I made the decision, I felt quite giddy and excited - something I haven't felt in a long time so I definitely know this is a good decision. I investigated what I needed to do before hand. There is a rather difficult test (called the GMAT) that I need to take. Since I can't abide any math that contains fractions, I'm going to need to study hard as I have quickly forgotten all those classes (on purpose!).

This will primarily mean that I will focus on something outside myself but is a positive step FOR me. We'll see how it goes. Two years of night school beats the heck out of 11 years for the BS. I still shake my head in disbelief when I think about it but I do remember that even though the 11 years was tedious, it still was a positive goal to shoot for. And I actually accomplished it!

Let's see how far this will help me out of my funk.

Disenchanted

I'm finding myself rather frustrated right now. I feel so lazy and yet I have things to do. I just don't want to do them. Last night, I plopped myself in front of the TV and figured I'd just watch something for a few minutes. Then I got into the funk and didn't get up again until really late. TV last night was mindless and boring - yet I couldn't get out from under it.

I still feel better than I did before but there's no question the spectre of depression is still there. My family wants to know about it and the sessions I'm attending but I really don't want to go into detail with them. Some of the depression is based on things they did or didn't do in the past. I just get angry or furious even when I start to think about it.

To me, inertia is the worst thing about depression - that and total lack of motivation. I don't want to do anything yet I'm not happy not doing anything. What a weird place to be.

My Yearly Review

Just got my yearly review yesterday. While there were some good things said, the problem that dominated, hands down, was a lack of initiative.

The moment my boss told me that, I knew exactly what she meant. If there is one thing I am beginning to realize about depression, it is an absolute effort to do anything - including getting out of bed, eating, turning on a TV, and just trying to put one foot in front of another. How am I going to have initiative at work? I barely got there everyday to begin with!

Fortunately, I'm coming out of the worst phase of it and am a bit more upbeat. I wasn't really upset or surprised by what my boss said. I understood. Fortunately, they are willing to give me another shot. Now it's up to me to get it together.

Prosac - Oh What A Feeling

Nothing wrong with that. The medication is designed to ease the symptoms so that I can get a grip on what's happening. So far so good. It takes a few weeks for it to really kick in. I have been on generic Prozac for over 2 years but at the 20mg dose. This kept the panic attacks at bay but apparently isn't helping much with the depression. I got it upped to 60mg. Am on 40mg right now as I ease into the dose.

Funny thing: at 20mg, the worst side effect I felt was muscle and leg cramping. I was rather nervous about upping the dose because I didn't want these muscle cramps to increase. I was visiting a Nurse Practitioner last week and she called in a psychiatrist (yep, I've now got one of those), a very nice chap with a , what do you call it, serene demeanor. Not monk-like. Just not over agitated. He explained to me it might be the anxiety that is causing my muscles to tense up rather than the medication causing that side effect. Upping the dose might actually relieve the muscle aches. I figured, what the heck.

Soooooo...

It's friggin' workin'! I can put up with the side effects of night sweats and insomnia but the leg and muscle cramping (even when I tried to stretch) got in the way of trying to exercise and just relax. Believe it or not, 40 friggin mgs is working to relieve it! I never in a million years would have thought the anxiety was causing it as I am not aware I am that anxious (yes, even though I have been diagnosed with anxiety disorder. I guess I'm still in denial after all these years).

A step in the right direction.

TAP