"Armageddon" Cont'd

I have to laugh at that title, "Armageddon". This was the front page headline for a newspaper in Albequerque New Mexico. A friend of my grandmothers who lives there called this morning and was in absolute tears because she thought San Diego was going up in flames.

Well, it really is. However, most people are surviving it just fine.

I got the reverse 911 phone call last night around 9:30pm. This means our emergency services system notifies us that evacuation is Mandatory. I grabbed my two cats (had a titanic fight to get them in the box). Left with my CPU, cat food, favorite pictures and a few blankets and important papers - that's it. I believe my condo is fine right now. Don't know how quickly these winds will shift. Nasty businessness these wild fires.

I had a nice lovely panic attack last night. At least this one had a reason for being. I was able to calm myself down by distracting myself from the situation (I'm staying at my grandmothers right now and her toilet was out of order. I managed to fix it - seriously. The little things like that help get your mind off the main situation). I did some breathing exercises and cognitive reassurance. Seemed to work. I was able to finally go to sleep.

A main concern of mine yesterday was the appointment I had to take the GMAT. Figures the world would be falling apart around me when I needed to concentrate. Believe it or not, I actually attending the testing. I called the testing facility sure they would be cancelling all tests for that day but nooooooo. The main office, located somewhere on the east coast, didn't really grasp the gravity of the situation and became very difficult when I asked to reschedule without being charged a fee. After a few minutes of fruitless argument, I finally said I'd go.

Surprise! I did not do well at all. Oh well, at least it's done. Let's hope I can get in with my less than stellar scores.

Today is warm already - 10:30am and almost 80 degrees. Smoke is in the air but where I am, I can see clear blue sky above me. Dirty ash is covering everything outside. Yuck. I'm holding my breath for my office building because a branch of the fire is heading right for it.

This whole experience is unreal. Apparently, the scale of disruption is about the same as Hurricane Katrina. I can tell you there are over 1,000 homes completely destroyed. It's so very sad. However, I can also tell you the city of San Diego, San Diego County, the American Red Cross, the State of California (headed by our Governator - Arnold Swartzenegger) and the National Guard are kicking some serious butt with this thing! The fire may be out of control, but the coordination and teamwork involved in getting evacuation centers set up, emergency services set up, food and water supplies made available, and just moving traffic and people in general is astounding. The Feds, behind the eight ball as usual, just today decided to send in aid and help. I'm sure there is a process they follow but I have to admit, I wasn't too impressed with their response to Katrina. Anyway, any help we can get is welcome.

Hopefully, I won't have to evacuate again. I'll keep any faithful readers posted. Ironically, right now, I'm too busy with this fire to be depressed!

Boo

San Diego on Fire

Yikes! At about noon today I thought I could smell a chimney going (a sent I do love) yet it was 80 degrees. I go outside and there was a giant smoke cloud heading my way. About a half hour later, the smoke had covered my neighborhood. It's kind of like a fog, except there is a bit of ash and grit in it. The sun looked really neat behind the smoke (red and orange) but that's the only plus side. The real down side is, I live between two canyons that are as dry as the Sahara desert.

California is in the middle of a 3 year long drought. A wind condition we call the "Santa Ana's" causes warm to hot air to move out of the deserts and towards the ocean. This air is very dry and in many places very windy. We've had some gusts up to 70 miles per hour in some areas.

Unfortunately, there is a road up to an old gold mining town turned into a tourist attraction called Julian. Beautiful place. The road to Julian is as dry and brittle as it can get. It is now on fire.

I feel for these people who have to evacuate. I'm just inhaling the smoke but I'm not having to leave all my worldly possessions behind - at least not yet. I'm far enough away where the fire won't get me tonight. Tomorrow though, is another story.

It's times like these that life gets put into perspective.

How do you get close?

I find myself watching TV, reading a magazine or seeing a movie about people and relationships. So many people are dating, marrying, divorcing, cheating, and experiencing all the normal flucuations of a romantic life.

I ask myself: Why can't I be normal?

I honestly think I'm on some sort of isolated island. I understand my past has a lot to do with my tentative social situation. However, it doesn't explain the complete lack of interest (unless you consider attraction to impossibly perfect fictional characters as normal). I feel like I'm missing a large part of life. I see young teenagers enjoying holding hands and holding each other. I see older couples at the beach walking hand in hand. That is so neat. Why can't I have it?

It's impossible when the feelings just don't exist at all. It's like that area of my life is completely shut down. I will say that once in a while, I'll see a guy that perks my interest - but it isn't this overwhelming feeling. In fact, it's not even this "wow" feeling. There's just a little something in me that says, "oh, he's attractive". Nothing that will make me want to hold his hand or kiss him. I will absolutely try to play it cool, however, as I am totally inept and jeuvinile at flirtation. And, unfortunately, the guys I find interesting are ALREADY TAKEN. I wonder if I do that on purpose?

Sometimes, life is just a mess.

Upping the Meds

Got the meds upped. Don't know how far I can take it but we'll see what 60mg of prozac can do for a gal. I have seen a definite improvement in my general outlook and well being. I'm getting excited more and more about little things. I'm still a cranky procrastinator, though. How do I get over that?

I'm also a bit listless right now. I could possibly be due to the doughnuts I consumed earlier this morning (my evil boss brought them in). I know that I am affected adversely to sugar but OH BOY is it good!

I still find moments when I slip back into a funk. Last week, I woke up in the middle of the night with a panic attack. Not severe by any means. I've had so many of them that I easily classified this episode as low on the Richter scale. I woke up saying to myself, "Hmm. Heart beating rapidly, cold sweat and I can feel my heart beat through my neck. Panic attack. Light one" I laid back down on the bed and let it pass (in about 15 minutes). I believe it was a result of my withdrawal from buspar. I was only on 10mg but apparently it did me some good. Rather than start the buspar over again, I'm just going for the prosac gold.