How do you get close?

I find myself watching TV, reading a magazine or seeing a movie about people and relationships. So many people are dating, marrying, divorcing, cheating, and experiencing all the normal flucuations of a romantic life.

I ask myself: Why can't I be normal?

I honestly think I'm on some sort of isolated island. I understand my past has a lot to do with my tentative social situation. However, it doesn't explain the complete lack of interest (unless you consider attraction to impossibly perfect fictional characters as normal). I feel like I'm missing a large part of life. I see young teenagers enjoying holding hands and holding each other. I see older couples at the beach walking hand in hand. That is so neat. Why can't I have it?

It's impossible when the feelings just don't exist at all. It's like that area of my life is completely shut down. I will say that once in a while, I'll see a guy that perks my interest - but it isn't this overwhelming feeling. In fact, it's not even this "wow" feeling. There's just a little something in me that says, "oh, he's attractive". Nothing that will make me want to hold his hand or kiss him. I will absolutely try to play it cool, however, as I am totally inept and jeuvinile at flirtation. And, unfortunately, the guys I find interesting are ALREADY TAKEN. I wonder if I do that on purpose?

Sometimes, life is just a mess.