Still Alive

I have survived Thanksgiving and the subsequent Turkey Coma. I ate too much but that's normal. I wasn't sure how this thanksgiving would be after my intense session with the therapist. I have a lot of issues to deal with my family and they have chosen to ignore the issues rather than deal with them. So, I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. Is it possible I can be happy without having some major issues resolved or at least confronted?

Family is a funny thing. I was raised to believe, early on, that my family had my concerns as their priority. But when the going got tough, that turned out to not be the case. Their own desire for stability and avoidance of embarrassment and potential divorce (my grandparents) made them decide to ignore what happened to me and pretend it didn't occur. They developed a story in their minds that what happened was not as big a deal as it actually was (I was molested by my uncle). This way, they could live with themselves when I would loudly protest I did not want to be around my uncle. Instead, through the idea of "keeping the family together" they made sure he was around me every Sunday and especially every holiday including Thanksgiving and Christmas. These are bittersweet times for me. They practically shoved him down my throat.

Some background: My uncle was diagnosed with Schizophrenia before I was ever born. No question he has problems. My grandparents (who are his parents) and my mom (who is his sister) have been dealing with it since he was a kid. He also happens to have an IQ higher than Albert Einsteins'. I think anyone with an IQ that high tends to loose track of reality.

Schizophrenia does not automatically make a person a child molester. In fact, most schizophrenics don't go there at all. So what makes my uncle different? a) he's a sociopath and b) he had opportunity with me as I was only 7 and thought it was all a game - that was, until he really hurt me.

Having to deal with this all their lives, I guess they went into "protective mode". Not of me but of him. He did know what he did was wrong. He asked me not to tell anyone he was doing it so it was not the schizophrenia. Again, I thought of it as a game (sometimes weird, sometimes very gross and uncomfortable but a game nonetheless. I was always a good niece). None of them expected him to go that far. They had no idea he was capable of that kind of act.

They took my side at first. They got him out of the house and into an institution. That lasted about a year and then they brought him back, saying the doctors told them he wouldn't do it again.

Oh really? I bet he would. Sure enough, when he had the first opportunity, he followed me down stairs to the basement. That was when he really hurt me. He took out his anger at the fact that I told on him. I guess he figured this was his last chance to get back at me.

Afterwards, I ran upstairs and said "He did it again!". My mom went after him - tried to tear his eyes out but my grandfather held her back. Go mom!

He was sent away again, this time for 3 years. I had forgotten about certain things but there's no question I was affected by what he did. I stopped playing with dolls almost immediately - holding the doll felt too much like him holding me and I thought it was gross. I was nervous that people would hurt me. Kids and adults. I knew it could be done.

3 years later, he came back. Yes, they brought him back. My mom told me he would be at my grandparents house when we got there that evening. There he was but this time, I wanted nothing to do with him. His presence made me extremely uncomfortable. I told my grandmother. I told her I didn't want him around me. She said to me, and I quote" He's not going away. I'm not going to do that. I'd have to change my life around and I don't want to do that." Huh?

I was rather shocked. Up until then, my grandmother had lovingly tried to do her best but a beast came out of her. I call it the Jeckle and Hyde syndrome. Here's the worst of it:

My uncle goes upstairs. My mom and gramma start playing rummy cube, a game, my grandfather is watching tv upstairs as well. So, since my uncle is upstairs, I head as far away as I can (I'm 11 years old now) I go down into the basement where there is an organ I can play with. I'm fiddling with the keys when I hear somebody rushing down the stairs. I look up and there is my Uncle! The Asshole was eager. I'm not kidding. He was in the doorway. I moved away from the organ and walked around him to get out the door thinking he would grab me to stop me, but he didn't. I ran up the stairs and up to my grandmother, who was playing rummy cube, and said " is following me."

In an irritated voice, as if I was bothering her, grandma says, "No he's not."

I looked at her in shock.

I turned to my mother. She was looking uneasily at my grandmother... and then looked down at her tiles. She did not look at me and she did not make a comment.

I didn't know where to go so I went up to my grandfather, who was watching tv.

"Grampa? I don't want around me."

He was quite for a moment and then said "Well, he's family."

I said "But what if he hurts me again?"

He again was quite for a moment and then said "He won't."

I knew I was doomed. Melodramatic but true. My family was in complete denial.

Well, it turns out it was now up to me, an 11 year old kid, to defend herself again a child molester 3 times her age, size and weight. I will tell you that he never molested me again. I didn't give him the opportunity even though my family gave him ample. After a while, when they saw that he wasn't going to touch me, they decided everything was ok. They got quite angry at me when I kept protesting his presence. I even offered to stay home on Sunday's so I wouldn't have to be in the same room with him. I thought that was a good solution but it wasn't according to the family. Besides, I was 11 years old, my mom said. I can't leave you home alone.

I saw this picture once of a pregnant woman standing outside looking upset while she was smoking a cigarette saying that she was concerned about what the noise level of Jackhammers was doing to her unborn child. People just don't see their own hypocrisy.

I learned quickly that mentioning I was upset about the presence of my Uncle got the wrath of both my grandmother and mother. As long as I didn't discuss my displeasure at seeing him, the world was right. However, I couldn't help but be anxious and nervous around him as he had a tendency to stare at me A LOT. "He stares at everybody." was my grandmothers response. Yeah, but he didn't rape everybody, now didn't he?

This just gets more and more twisted as time moves on. I have a million stories I can tell of their utter hypocrisy. One moment, they would be telling me how much they love me and to be careful and that I can go to them with any problem in the world, and the next moment, when I say, what about , they lash out at me. "Why don't you just forget about it? The rest of us have!" Wow, how convenient.

Eventually, I was old enough that my mother could not force me to go to my grandparents house every Sunday to be "with the family". Eventually, under evil eye glare and much protest, I was able to stay home. I was guilted into attending Thanksgivings and Christmas as these were "family holidays". Eventually, I told them I was done with that too. Honestly, they couldn't understand why I was making such a "big deal" out of it.

They got angry at me because I wouldn't play ball. I wouldn't pretend that everything was ok and no problem. Life was normal. Fa la la la la. My anger and rebellion was blamed on teenage angst. My aunts and uncles (including the culprit) were lead to believe that " was causing problems again." I have no idea what my mother and grandmother told people. My grandfather never got angry at me but it was apparent early on that he was the one person in the biggest state of denial.

Anyway, that's the basis of my anxiety disorder, panic disorder, depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. My family sincerely wants to help me though this but they refuse to understand how much responsibility they have for causing this to begin with. That's why this time of year is so hard.

Good Luck to All.

Been Busy

Long time, no post. Got notification yesterday that I did not get accepted to the MBA program because of my low GMAT score. Hey, what can I say? The town was on fire and my mind was on other things.

I'll try for it next semester. I must have the test done by April 15th. I've signed up for a GMAT class to help me remember all the crap I conveniently forgot after I passed the classes.

My head aches. My legs are fidgety. Can't sleep at night except for the last two nights. Had an intense session with the therapist today. Got down to some nitty gritty. I actually got dizzy towards the end of the session. It hit me out of nowhere. It was most likely a physical reaction to the things we were talking about.

I yearn to make my life more active so I'm signing up for volunteering projects. Working with Cats, Horses, cleaning up beaches, gardening, packing food for shelters. Takes my mind off of me and gives me something else to do. Who knows, I might get more energetic from this. I hope so anyway. I hate feeling lackluster and bored.

Happy Thanksgiving to all.

Out of the fire

Glad that's over with. Last week had to have been one of the most surreal weeks of my life. It seemed everything just stopped. Fortunately, we've had a little bit of rain and some cool air to clear up the soot, ash and debris out of the atmosphere.

I have a tendency to get sick after a stressful situation. That's what happened day before yesterday. It's just my body's way of saying, "you did too much". Not that I can help it but the body is going to to what it's going to do. Hence: panic attacks, depression, anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder. I still can't believe I have all four of these things - AT ONCE!

I'm still feeling better as I find I daydream again. For a while there, nothing excited me at all. During the worst of the depression, even fanciful daydreams had no meaning to me. Nothing pleased me. I put on a nice face to show the world I was with it, but when I was by myself, it was horribly apparent I really didn't give a shit about anything. What an awful way to exist.

Now that Halloween has passed, there's a truck load of candy in the office. Don't know if I can resist it all. Probably not as eating is truly one of my passions. Peanut butter cups are the thing. Love those peanut butter cups.

I won't try too hard to resist. I'm exhausted from stress and want to eat it all away. I'm going to go dive into that chocolate right now!

"Armageddon" Cont'd

I have to laugh at that title, "Armageddon". This was the front page headline for a newspaper in Albequerque New Mexico. A friend of my grandmothers who lives there called this morning and was in absolute tears because she thought San Diego was going up in flames.

Well, it really is. However, most people are surviving it just fine.

I got the reverse 911 phone call last night around 9:30pm. This means our emergency services system notifies us that evacuation is Mandatory. I grabbed my two cats (had a titanic fight to get them in the box). Left with my CPU, cat food, favorite pictures and a few blankets and important papers - that's it. I believe my condo is fine right now. Don't know how quickly these winds will shift. Nasty businessness these wild fires.

I had a nice lovely panic attack last night. At least this one had a reason for being. I was able to calm myself down by distracting myself from the situation (I'm staying at my grandmothers right now and her toilet was out of order. I managed to fix it - seriously. The little things like that help get your mind off the main situation). I did some breathing exercises and cognitive reassurance. Seemed to work. I was able to finally go to sleep.

A main concern of mine yesterday was the appointment I had to take the GMAT. Figures the world would be falling apart around me when I needed to concentrate. Believe it or not, I actually attending the testing. I called the testing facility sure they would be cancelling all tests for that day but nooooooo. The main office, located somewhere on the east coast, didn't really grasp the gravity of the situation and became very difficult when I asked to reschedule without being charged a fee. After a few minutes of fruitless argument, I finally said I'd go.

Surprise! I did not do well at all. Oh well, at least it's done. Let's hope I can get in with my less than stellar scores.

Today is warm already - 10:30am and almost 80 degrees. Smoke is in the air but where I am, I can see clear blue sky above me. Dirty ash is covering everything outside. Yuck. I'm holding my breath for my office building because a branch of the fire is heading right for it.

This whole experience is unreal. Apparently, the scale of disruption is about the same as Hurricane Katrina. I can tell you there are over 1,000 homes completely destroyed. It's so very sad. However, I can also tell you the city of San Diego, San Diego County, the American Red Cross, the State of California (headed by our Governator - Arnold Swartzenegger) and the National Guard are kicking some serious butt with this thing! The fire may be out of control, but the coordination and teamwork involved in getting evacuation centers set up, emergency services set up, food and water supplies made available, and just moving traffic and people in general is astounding. The Feds, behind the eight ball as usual, just today decided to send in aid and help. I'm sure there is a process they follow but I have to admit, I wasn't too impressed with their response to Katrina. Anyway, any help we can get is welcome.

Hopefully, I won't have to evacuate again. I'll keep any faithful readers posted. Ironically, right now, I'm too busy with this fire to be depressed!

Boo

San Diego on Fire

Yikes! At about noon today I thought I could smell a chimney going (a sent I do love) yet it was 80 degrees. I go outside and there was a giant smoke cloud heading my way. About a half hour later, the smoke had covered my neighborhood. It's kind of like a fog, except there is a bit of ash and grit in it. The sun looked really neat behind the smoke (red and orange) but that's the only plus side. The real down side is, I live between two canyons that are as dry as the Sahara desert.

California is in the middle of a 3 year long drought. A wind condition we call the "Santa Ana's" causes warm to hot air to move out of the deserts and towards the ocean. This air is very dry and in many places very windy. We've had some gusts up to 70 miles per hour in some areas.

Unfortunately, there is a road up to an old gold mining town turned into a tourist attraction called Julian. Beautiful place. The road to Julian is as dry and brittle as it can get. It is now on fire.

I feel for these people who have to evacuate. I'm just inhaling the smoke but I'm not having to leave all my worldly possessions behind - at least not yet. I'm far enough away where the fire won't get me tonight. Tomorrow though, is another story.

It's times like these that life gets put into perspective.

How do you get close?

I find myself watching TV, reading a magazine or seeing a movie about people and relationships. So many people are dating, marrying, divorcing, cheating, and experiencing all the normal flucuations of a romantic life.

I ask myself: Why can't I be normal?

I honestly think I'm on some sort of isolated island. I understand my past has a lot to do with my tentative social situation. However, it doesn't explain the complete lack of interest (unless you consider attraction to impossibly perfect fictional characters as normal). I feel like I'm missing a large part of life. I see young teenagers enjoying holding hands and holding each other. I see older couples at the beach walking hand in hand. That is so neat. Why can't I have it?

It's impossible when the feelings just don't exist at all. It's like that area of my life is completely shut down. I will say that once in a while, I'll see a guy that perks my interest - but it isn't this overwhelming feeling. In fact, it's not even this "wow" feeling. There's just a little something in me that says, "oh, he's attractive". Nothing that will make me want to hold his hand or kiss him. I will absolutely try to play it cool, however, as I am totally inept and jeuvinile at flirtation. And, unfortunately, the guys I find interesting are ALREADY TAKEN. I wonder if I do that on purpose?

Sometimes, life is just a mess.

Upping the Meds

Got the meds upped. Don't know how far I can take it but we'll see what 60mg of prozac can do for a gal. I have seen a definite improvement in my general outlook and well being. I'm getting excited more and more about little things. I'm still a cranky procrastinator, though. How do I get over that?

I'm also a bit listless right now. I could possibly be due to the doughnuts I consumed earlier this morning (my evil boss brought them in). I know that I am affected adversely to sugar but OH BOY is it good!

I still find moments when I slip back into a funk. Last week, I woke up in the middle of the night with a panic attack. Not severe by any means. I've had so many of them that I easily classified this episode as low on the Richter scale. I woke up saying to myself, "Hmm. Heart beating rapidly, cold sweat and I can feel my heart beat through my neck. Panic attack. Light one" I laid back down on the bed and let it pass (in about 15 minutes). I believe it was a result of my withdrawal from buspar. I was only on 10mg but apparently it did me some good. Rather than start the buspar over again, I'm just going for the prosac gold.

My Birthday Today

I'm somewhere in my 30's. Let's leave it at that.

Nice day - co workers took me out to lunch at one of my favorite restaurants. Weekend was good. Visited a garden and museum I used to frequent as a kid. Got rained on, which I loved as I haven't seen rain in a long time here in Southern California.

Today though I realized another example of my fleeting memory and retention capabilities. I missed the boat on something that was important and my responsibility. Thank goodness people here are team players but it makes me look like a fool and incompetent when I lose my focus like that. Whereas before I was diagnosed, I thought that was just a personality flaw! Now I'm being told it is a side effect of depression. I was hoping the pills would clear that one out but it hasn't really. I guess I have to learn some new habits - like slowing down when I consider something. I move through things too fast (anxiously, perhaps) to get it over with. When I move too fast, I miss things. Plain and simple.

I wonder if anyone else feels that way. Is it common for memory to be shot with people with depression or am I just particularly susceptible?

Setting a Goal for Myself

I hate boredom. I hate inertia. I hate lack of initiative. I hate feeling dull. I hate feeling like life is just passing me by in a flash. I hate procrastination. I hate feeling lackluster. I hate not being stimulated. There are times when I feel like my only purpose in life is to be a piece of moving organic material drifting like a dry leaf in the wind. Seriously. I hate those feelings.

So....

One of the ideas that has come out of my sessions with the behavioral therapist is to set goals for things that I want to do. I've been so bored at my job and in life in general that I haven't really cared. Well, after the last session (and having considered this before) I called up the local university and found out that I can get a Masters Degree within 2 years of night school.

I couldn't believe how JAZZED I felt at that idea. 30 units and I've got a MBA (I've already got a BS in Marketing). That is really cool. Setting personal goals and going for them does help during a time of tedium and boredom. It makes me feel that I'm accomplishing something for myself rather than just, well, existing.

Once I made the decision, I felt quite giddy and excited - something I haven't felt in a long time so I definitely know this is a good decision. I investigated what I needed to do before hand. There is a rather difficult test (called the GMAT) that I need to take. Since I can't abide any math that contains fractions, I'm going to need to study hard as I have quickly forgotten all those classes (on purpose!).

This will primarily mean that I will focus on something outside myself but is a positive step FOR me. We'll see how it goes. Two years of night school beats the heck out of 11 years for the BS. I still shake my head in disbelief when I think about it but I do remember that even though the 11 years was tedious, it still was a positive goal to shoot for. And I actually accomplished it!

Let's see how far this will help me out of my funk.

Disenchanted

I'm finding myself rather frustrated right now. I feel so lazy and yet I have things to do. I just don't want to do them. Last night, I plopped myself in front of the TV and figured I'd just watch something for a few minutes. Then I got into the funk and didn't get up again until really late. TV last night was mindless and boring - yet I couldn't get out from under it.

I still feel better than I did before but there's no question the spectre of depression is still there. My family wants to know about it and the sessions I'm attending but I really don't want to go into detail with them. Some of the depression is based on things they did or didn't do in the past. I just get angry or furious even when I start to think about it.

To me, inertia is the worst thing about depression - that and total lack of motivation. I don't want to do anything yet I'm not happy not doing anything. What a weird place to be.

My Yearly Review

Just got my yearly review yesterday. While there were some good things said, the problem that dominated, hands down, was a lack of initiative.

The moment my boss told me that, I knew exactly what she meant. If there is one thing I am beginning to realize about depression, it is an absolute effort to do anything - including getting out of bed, eating, turning on a TV, and just trying to put one foot in front of another. How am I going to have initiative at work? I barely got there everyday to begin with!

Fortunately, I'm coming out of the worst phase of it and am a bit more upbeat. I wasn't really upset or surprised by what my boss said. I understood. Fortunately, they are willing to give me another shot. Now it's up to me to get it together.

Prosac - Oh What A Feeling

Nothing wrong with that. The medication is designed to ease the symptoms so that I can get a grip on what's happening. So far so good. It takes a few weeks for it to really kick in. I have been on generic Prozac for over 2 years but at the 20mg dose. This kept the panic attacks at bay but apparently isn't helping much with the depression. I got it upped to 60mg. Am on 40mg right now as I ease into the dose.

Funny thing: at 20mg, the worst side effect I felt was muscle and leg cramping. I was rather nervous about upping the dose because I didn't want these muscle cramps to increase. I was visiting a Nurse Practitioner last week and she called in a psychiatrist (yep, I've now got one of those), a very nice chap with a , what do you call it, serene demeanor. Not monk-like. Just not over agitated. He explained to me it might be the anxiety that is causing my muscles to tense up rather than the medication causing that side effect. Upping the dose might actually relieve the muscle aches. I figured, what the heck.

Soooooo...

It's friggin' workin'! I can put up with the side effects of night sweats and insomnia but the leg and muscle cramping (even when I tried to stretch) got in the way of trying to exercise and just relax. Believe it or not, 40 friggin mgs is working to relieve it! I never in a million years would have thought the anxiety was causing it as I am not aware I am that anxious (yes, even though I have been diagnosed with anxiety disorder. I guess I'm still in denial after all these years).

A step in the right direction.

TAP

Background

The core of my depression is a result of sexual abuse as a child and my rather fractured view of the world as a result. Can't believe that after all these years, the events still haunt me.

Just got diagnosed with Anxiety, Panic Disorder (which I already knew about), Depression (which I'm finally admitting to) and PTSD. All at once ladies and gentlemen! I have it right here and now.

I'll blog my progress and my thoughts as I go on. I'm sure there are lots of people in the same boat who will be able to recognize and empathize with these events and the symptoms I'm experiencing. Perhaps my account will help someone?

Bon Chance to us all.

Brand new to Blogs

Yipee!

As one of the most antisocial people I know, I have decied to break my hermit habits by blogging. Who knows what interests I might have in common with the world at large. Sorry for the leaness of the site right now but I'm just gathering all the personality pieces. I'll get them up shortly.